Quick backstory, I'm a mom of 6 - 3 adult boys and 3 girls ages 16 & twin 11 year olds. At the time this happened only the girls lived at home.
My hubby and I had to go out of town for the weekend. The twins went with their dad for the weekend, but 16 yr old stayed home to house & dog sit. The rules have been the same for all kids:
1. Check in often
2. NO PARTIES
3. No one of the opposite sex is allowed
4. The house better be in the same condition I left it when I get back.
I didn't find out until a few weeks later, but my daughter broke rule #3. I found out was because she was acting "different" - she and I are really close and I know her like my favorite book. I kept asking her what was wrong and she'd lie and say, “Nothing”. I knew she was lying to me but instead of getting mad, I told her that I loved her & that there was nothing she couldn’t talk to me about.
The next evening she comes to me in tears. She tells me that she allowed a male friend to come inside. To say I was pissed was an understatement! I told her I was disappointed in her & grounded her. She started sobbing! I reminded her that every action has consequences and her’s was being grounded for a month. No phone, no hanging out with friends, etc. There's reasons I don't allow the opposite sex in the house while we're not home and I reminded her of that. She looked at me and said, "There's more...". My heart sank!
Every worst case scenario ran through my head. I fired off questions and ended with an, "I'm going to effing kill him!!!" She said "No mom! Nothing happened! I swear it! It's worse!" I'm sitting there thinking "How on earth can it be worse???" She told me she felt hopeless and needed to talk to someone. I was confused. I wasn't picking up what she was laying down. I told her we were talking. We always talk things out. She said, "No mom. A professional. I can't talk to you about this!" Ok so, nothing happened, yet she couldn't talk to me about it. Now I was even more confused and worried. I work for a therapist so I asked her if she was ok talking to "Aunt Cass" and she said yes. I called my boss even though it was late and gave her the rundown. I'm guessing the professional in her knew something was up and we decided on first thing the next morning.
The next morning I dropped the twins off at school and to the office we went. My boss made me wait in the conference room because even though my daughter was like family, at this point she's a client. When she came out and walked by 20 minutes later she said, "When I come back I need to see you in my office." She didn’t make eye contact and my heart sank. What in the world is going on? Why wouldn't she look at me? A few minutes later, which seemed like an eternity and still with no eye contact she said "Come on". Once we were in her office, I blurted out "Dude! What the fuck is going on?" She made eye contact and had tears in her eyes! I felt like the rug was pulled from under me and I wanted to throw up. My question was answered and it wasn't what I was expecting.
Turns out my daughter’s “BFF” knew that this boy had come over. By Monday this “friend” had told EVERYONE that they had sex. For weeks my baby girl endured ridicule, being called a slut, and cast aside not only by her boyfriend but by some of her so-called closest friends - over a rumor!!! Meme's were circulating online about her. My daughter was being bullied!!!!
I was at a loss. I apologized for going off on her and she said, “You had every right to be upset.” I felt like complete garbage for yelling at her. I asked her how I could help her fix it. My boss stopped me and said "Your daughter has a plan." For a second I thought "Plan? What plan? Is she going to kick this girl's butt? What?" and that's when my boss clarified it for me...my little girl had a plan to commit suicide. "She has a plan to kill herself. If that's not enough, her plan won't kill her but will most likely screw her up for life. You need to take her to the psych hospital now. Take her home to change her clothes & shoes but don't let her out of your sight and then go straight to the hospital."
Those words will forever be embedded in my head. No parent should ever have to hear that. Yes, I know, better to hear that so we can help her instead of hearing "she's gone" but still, I wasn't prepared. A psych hospital. My. Daughter. Is. Going. To. A. Psych. Hospital!!!
I was numb. I held my baby girl and we sobbed together. I couldn't speak. I didn't know what to say. My "perfect" life had just shattered where I stood. All sorts of thoughts were running through my head… I’ve suffered from depression, why didn’t I see this!?! I felt like I failed my child and that's unforgivable.
I texted my husband and told him to come home. I would explain when he got there. Even though the office is within a mile from my house and he worked 20 minutes away, he got home shortly after I did. I explained what was going on. He stood there in silence. He turned from me and took her in his arms and I saw the tears rolling down his face. He's not an emotional man. He's not even her biological father, but in that moment I realized just how much he loves my girls. His heart was breaking with mine.
The ride to the hospital was the longest drive of my life, yet it felt like we got there too quickly. We were brought back and my daughter went through the intake process. The time came where I had to leave, I didn’t want too, but they were admitting her. I wanted to stay with my baby. She was scared. I was terrified. The nurse told me with the most sympathetic eyes and explained that we wouldn’t be able to visit everyday, but only during visitation 2 days a week. I tried really hard to contain myself. Fortunately for us, we were there on a visitation day and the nurse had sympathy. She called the unit and asked if we could stay for the visitation for that day. Time flew. It wasn't enough time to hug her more and tell her I loved her. My husband had to take me by the arm and make me leave.
The car ride home was just as bad as the ride to the hospital. We were both emotionally drained. We reminded ourselves how fortunate we were to still have her. We also have 2 girls at home that we need to be parents to. We agreed that we wouldn't tell the twins where their sister was. Fortunately we had been talking about a trip the school scheduled to go visit colleges in our state so that's what we'd tell the twins. Their sister was going to be away on a trip.
She was admitted for 6.5 days. I was miserable and it was very hard not to cry in front of the twins. I missed everything about my daughter - her laughing, the flute music flowing from her room. I. Missed. Her!!! I opened up to a few friends, but not my family. I was afraid of their reaction. At her request, I told her 3 older brothers a few days into this ordeal.
While she was in the hospital, I unleashed on the high school. I had found out that she had tried to talk to her guidance counselor and nothing was done. To say that her guidance counselor will forever regret the day I walked into her office is an understatement! I set up a meeting with the principal the following morning as he was off site. I assured them that the school district would be hearing from me and that I had already spoken to the school police about it. I reminded them that their lack of concern could've cost my daughter her life. Forget "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Hell hath no fury like a pissed off Momma Bear is more like it!
She requested to be homeschooled when she came home and we obliged. Anything to keep my baby safe. It was tough at first. I hovered. I became that dreaded "helicopter parent". She was quick to call me out on it! This was something new for us. Even though I had dealt with depression in my teens and had suicidal thoughts myself, I'd never dealt with it from a parenting aspect. We had a few bumps in the road. I struggled with not hovering. She struggled to keep her grades up even though the curriculum was easier. She missed being in the band, her advanced classes, some of her friends and she missed out on going to Hawaii with the school band. The real friends that were concerned about her and reminded her how valuable and loved she was.
She came to me close to the end of that quarter, very maturely, and said she was ready to go back to school. Internally I was screaming, hell no, but she explained that she needed to face her demons. She intended on walking back into that school and showing all her bullies that they didn't defeat her. They may have deflated her a bit but she was back, full of self confidence. My "baby" had become a strong young woman. I told her I would agree only if her dr and therapist did and to my dismay, they did. Her first first day back was gut wrenching for both of us. We were both terrified but she knew she wasn't alone. She knew I was a phone call away. She had permission to walk out of class and go straight to the office if things got tough. Her teachers missed her and assured me they'd be vigilant of her. She continued seeing a therapist and a psych dr for a few months.
She's doing much better now and per her request has been taken off the meds. Our relationship and bond is much stronger than it was before. She completed her sophomore year and passed! Her teachers were amazing! She still had some issues but she had the tools to deal with them.
We left FL as soon as school was out and moved to MS. A new place, a fresh start for all of us. She's loving it here and so am I.
To say I'm proud of her is an understatement. I don't think I would've handled it like a champ the way she did. She's my hero!
